Dear Advice Between Friends,
It's Christmas, and for some reason I always get a very depressed feeling of loneliness and also a dislike for those around me. Everyone is just crazy trying to buy, buy, buy. They never think of others, and I get so tired of it. Life just gets dismal this time of year and I wish it would not, but I'm not sure what I can do. I would appreciate your help, since you seem so wise. I also trust your counsel after reading the other pleas for help. thanks again....
Depressed in Boston
Dear Depressed in Boston,
My advice? If you've forgotten the meaning of Christmas, watch the movie, "The Bishop's Wife" with Cary Grant and David Niven. If you've lost the feeling for your fellow man, then volunteer at a homeless shelter. If you're lonely and see no color in the world, take the meal you had prepared for your family or self, and present it to a needy neighbor or friend, anonymously.
In other words, DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! Never let a minute go by where you're not wondering what you can do for someone else. This world is full of selfish individuals who live life on the edge, thinking that the next thrill will help them past whatever it is they're struggling with.
You can be better than that. Life is to be lived by serving others. It's that simple. No bows, no strings attached, no fan fare....but I guess it's too simple a concept for some people to accept.
But you're not like that. I can sense it. You want more in life. This will be the cure all for you.
I guarantee it! Make your list and start your new life.
Advice Between Friends
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Dear Frustrated Mom!
Motherhood comes with so many challenges, and sometimes we don't expect one of the challenges to be our husband! Not only do you sound frustrated, but tired. Tired of trying to fix a relationship between your husband and son. Just this in itself can lead to great frustration. Mainly, because you cannot fix it. This is not yours to fix. It's your husbands.
My advice? Learn to respect your husband. If you don't respect your husband, how do you expect your children to? Maybe you don't verbalize how you feel about him to your children, but it comes across loudly in your tone, looks, and actions. Children are very adept at picking up on this. I picked up on it immediately just from your letter.
Life happens, and sometimes a spouse will go through changes that causes the other to lose respect and look down upon them for one reason or another. These are the times when you need to hang in there, remember what attracted you in the first place, and be a friend. Lift him up, remind him why you love him, continue to do things that you would probably do for a girlfriend if she was acting this way. Just DON'T OWN IT! You're only there to help him remember why you respect him so much. Once you do this, you'll notice a change in your son and how he treats his father. But it begins with you. And it will always be this way.... accept it.
Good luck
Advice Between Friends
Motherhood comes with so many challenges, and sometimes we don't expect one of the challenges to be our husband! Not only do you sound frustrated, but tired. Tired of trying to fix a relationship between your husband and son. Just this in itself can lead to great frustration. Mainly, because you cannot fix it. This is not yours to fix. It's your husbands.
My advice? Learn to respect your husband. If you don't respect your husband, how do you expect your children to? Maybe you don't verbalize how you feel about him to your children, but it comes across loudly in your tone, looks, and actions. Children are very adept at picking up on this. I picked up on it immediately just from your letter.
Life happens, and sometimes a spouse will go through changes that causes the other to lose respect and look down upon them for one reason or another. These are the times when you need to hang in there, remember what attracted you in the first place, and be a friend. Lift him up, remind him why you love him, continue to do things that you would probably do for a girlfriend if she was acting this way. Just DON'T OWN IT! You're only there to help him remember why you respect him so much. Once you do this, you'll notice a change in your son and how he treats his father. But it begins with you. And it will always be this way.... accept it.
Good luck
Advice Between Friends
Dear Advice!
I have a son who shows no respect for his father. Granted, his father is not the most ideal dad, but I wish I knew how to help the situation. My husband sits around most of the time watching tv, or playing video games with the younger kids. It's like he's missing in action (MIA!). I feel very frustrated and constantly worried about my oldest son and the example his father is setting. What should I do? I've tried talking with my husband, but he only gets more upset and feels I'm the reason our son does not respect him. I'm tired of the fights, the tears, and arguments. Please help if you can!! Thank you..... Frustrated Mom in California
I have a son who shows no respect for his father. Granted, his father is not the most ideal dad, but I wish I knew how to help the situation. My husband sits around most of the time watching tv, or playing video games with the younger kids. It's like he's missing in action (MIA!). I feel very frustrated and constantly worried about my oldest son and the example his father is setting. What should I do? I've tried talking with my husband, but he only gets more upset and feels I'm the reason our son does not respect him. I'm tired of the fights, the tears, and arguments. Please help if you can!! Thank you..... Frustrated Mom in California
Monday, October 6, 2008
Drowning in Toys!
Dear Advice,
I have a toy clutter problem, and with Christmas just around the corner I dread getting them all organized. My question is 2 fold; #1 How can I get inspired to deal with the overwhelming closets, toy bins and over crowded toy room before Christmas? #2 What kind of Christmas toys would be good for the long term? In other words, what gifts would hold up, warrant lots of playing time, and don't add a lot of clutter? My kids are 8, 5, and 2. Thanks for any help. Drowning in Toys!
Dear Drowning in Toys!
My mother often comments, "Oh, what happened to the good ole' days when children were happy with a new pair of socks and a foot long candy cane for Christmas?" I also recall one Christmas when my friend misbehaved and on Christmas morning received a book on 'Manners' and a lump of coal underneath the Christmas tree.
Our culture has greatly changed, and a long with that, the need to stay organized and on top of all those dear, precious items that we buy for our children.
I took a great class years ago that helped greatly with your first question. The class basically said this concerning toys: if your children have not used a toy within the last six months, give it away. Benefit some other child's life! Teach them charity! In fact, we were encouraged to give away 1/2 of everything in that toy room. This would become a family project. After a lesson on charity, we took the children to a Woman's Shelter that we had chosen so they could tour the facility and behold first hand the great need that was there. Therefore, the children were taught the importance of giving, without be coerced. Next, they were in charge of selecting which toys they would like to give to the shelter. Now trust me, I expected some temper tantrums, pouting and outright rebellion over this, but a funny thing happened. After visiting the shelter, they began to express a desire to give away their 'good' toys! They're hearts expanded and a valuable lesson was taught.
My advice to you: Give 1/2 away of all your kids have. When children have too much of something, they end up not being able to treasure what they have. Did you ever have one doll that you treasured more than anything else? Now days, kids have 20 or 30 barbies! How can they learn to treasure the 'one' thing when they have more than they need? What lesson are we teaching them when they eventually leave home and raise a family of their own?
Question 2: What kind of toys to buy for the long term? Here's just one idea.
One Christmas, years ago, I started a new tradition. It began with a family lesson on the Christmas Story, but more specifically on the 3 gifts the wise men gave to the baby Jesus and what they represented. You can add to this with stories, poems, etc.
The three gifts: Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
I explained what each gift represented and then told them them this Christmas, they would be receiving 3 special gifts as well.
Gold was metal that was very, very precious. And it stands for something in the heart that is very precious as well and that we hold dear. And this is why it was the first gift given. This gift would be something the child has been asking for for quite a while. I guess you could call it the 'big' gift!
Frankincense was not only a healing herb, but was used in worshiping. As the incense goes up, so does your commitment to the Lord to learn all you can about this world and his doctrine. This gift would represent an educational gift/doctrinal study, journal, new set of scriptures with their name engraved upon it.
Myrrh was a precious ointment put on people's bodies. It was to cleanse, heal and annoint. It helped to remind how important our bodies are and how we adorn them with modest clothing.
So obviously, this gift was clothing much needed, a coat, shoes, pajamas, etc. As my daughters got older, a favorite perfume, lotions, etc. Many times I would wrap 2-3shirts and other clothing in one package.
Attached to each gift, is a little tag that specified which 'Wise Men's Gift' it represents. The kids have really enjoyed this each year and each gift holds a deeper meaning. No longer the frenzied, ripping of wrapping paper, screams and even jealous looks! Now, there's a more calm & reverent atmosphere. Probably a little closer to the atmosphere that was inside the stable in Bethlehem so many years ago.
Enjoy the journey!
Advice Between Friends- Trish
I have a toy clutter problem, and with Christmas just around the corner I dread getting them all organized. My question is 2 fold; #1 How can I get inspired to deal with the overwhelming closets, toy bins and over crowded toy room before Christmas? #2 What kind of Christmas toys would be good for the long term? In other words, what gifts would hold up, warrant lots of playing time, and don't add a lot of clutter? My kids are 8, 5, and 2. Thanks for any help. Drowning in Toys!
Dear Drowning in Toys!
My mother often comments, "Oh, what happened to the good ole' days when children were happy with a new pair of socks and a foot long candy cane for Christmas?" I also recall one Christmas when my friend misbehaved and on Christmas morning received a book on 'Manners' and a lump of coal underneath the Christmas tree.
Our culture has greatly changed, and a long with that, the need to stay organized and on top of all those dear, precious items that we buy for our children.
I took a great class years ago that helped greatly with your first question. The class basically said this concerning toys: if your children have not used a toy within the last six months, give it away. Benefit some other child's life! Teach them charity! In fact, we were encouraged to give away 1/2 of everything in that toy room. This would become a family project. After a lesson on charity, we took the children to a Woman's Shelter that we had chosen so they could tour the facility and behold first hand the great need that was there. Therefore, the children were taught the importance of giving, without be coerced. Next, they were in charge of selecting which toys they would like to give to the shelter. Now trust me, I expected some temper tantrums, pouting and outright rebellion over this, but a funny thing happened. After visiting the shelter, they began to express a desire to give away their 'good' toys! They're hearts expanded and a valuable lesson was taught.
My advice to you: Give 1/2 away of all your kids have. When children have too much of something, they end up not being able to treasure what they have. Did you ever have one doll that you treasured more than anything else? Now days, kids have 20 or 30 barbies! How can they learn to treasure the 'one' thing when they have more than they need? What lesson are we teaching them when they eventually leave home and raise a family of their own?
Question 2: What kind of toys to buy for the long term? Here's just one idea.
One Christmas, years ago, I started a new tradition. It began with a family lesson on the Christmas Story, but more specifically on the 3 gifts the wise men gave to the baby Jesus and what they represented. You can add to this with stories, poems, etc.
The three gifts: Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
I explained what each gift represented and then told them them this Christmas, they would be receiving 3 special gifts as well.
Gold was metal that was very, very precious. And it stands for something in the heart that is very precious as well and that we hold dear. And this is why it was the first gift given. This gift would be something the child has been asking for for quite a while. I guess you could call it the 'big' gift!
Frankincense was not only a healing herb, but was used in worshiping. As the incense goes up, so does your commitment to the Lord to learn all you can about this world and his doctrine. This gift would represent an educational gift/doctrinal study, journal, new set of scriptures with their name engraved upon it.
Myrrh was a precious ointment put on people's bodies. It was to cleanse, heal and annoint. It helped to remind how important our bodies are and how we adorn them with modest clothing.
So obviously, this gift was clothing much needed, a coat, shoes, pajamas, etc. As my daughters got older, a favorite perfume, lotions, etc. Many times I would wrap 2-3shirts and other clothing in one package.
Attached to each gift, is a little tag that specified which 'Wise Men's Gift' it represents. The kids have really enjoyed this each year and each gift holds a deeper meaning. No longer the frenzied, ripping of wrapping paper, screams and even jealous looks! Now, there's a more calm & reverent atmosphere. Probably a little closer to the atmosphere that was inside the stable in Bethlehem so many years ago.
Enjoy the journey!
Advice Between Friends- Trish
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Dear Hurting in Utah
Sounds like bitterness and hurt have filled your heart. It's very hard to go back to a normal relationship when someone has betrayed you. Sometimes it's so easy to turn and move on, away from the hurt and pain. My question to you right now is, 'Have you forgiven him?"
Do you know the feelings inside your heart when you have forgiven someone of a wrongful deed? You feel set free! Your heart feels light. You have no grudge or contention in there towards that person. You don't OWN their mistake! It's actually a glorious feeling when it comes down to it. It would be easy to move on and have a 'functional' life if you feel this way and truly do not want to be with him any longer and feel no love. If you have not forgiven him, this will become baggage wherever you go. I would strongly advise that if you haven't forgiven him, then to work on this first before making such a life changing decision of divorce. Sometimes, when we don't forgive others for their mistakes, it distorts and twists how we feel about them. Our vision is clouded and blurred to the point that our heart becomes filled with dislike, hate or indifference toward that person. How can we make a serious decision when we feel like that!??
Search within yourself, make sure you have forgiven him for any betrayal of trust, and then move forward with your decision. Trust me, you will know when your heart is right if it's the right choice or not. Trish --Advice Between Friends
Do you know the feelings inside your heart when you have forgiven someone of a wrongful deed? You feel set free! Your heart feels light. You have no grudge or contention in there towards that person. You don't OWN their mistake! It's actually a glorious feeling when it comes down to it. It would be easy to move on and have a 'functional' life if you feel this way and truly do not want to be with him any longer and feel no love. If you have not forgiven him, this will become baggage wherever you go. I would strongly advise that if you haven't forgiven him, then to work on this first before making such a life changing decision of divorce. Sometimes, when we don't forgive others for their mistakes, it distorts and twists how we feel about them. Our vision is clouded and blurred to the point that our heart becomes filled with dislike, hate or indifference toward that person. How can we make a serious decision when we feel like that!??
Search within yourself, make sure you have forgiven him for any betrayal of trust, and then move forward with your decision. Trust me, you will know when your heart is right if it's the right choice or not. Trish --Advice Between Friends
Hurting in Utah
Trish,
I am struggling in my relationship with my husband. Because of the things he has done, I have lost all trust in him. I don't even like to be around him or feel I can talk to him about the way I feel. I'm afraid if I tell him I want a divorce, he will do something stupid. I have remained in this relationship for the past two years because of my kids. I know he senses it. He asks me often if I love him, or if 'I'm in love with him.' I feel I have to say yes just to keep the peace. How do I get out? The relationship is killing me. Hurting in Utah
I am struggling in my relationship with my husband. Because of the things he has done, I have lost all trust in him. I don't even like to be around him or feel I can talk to him about the way I feel. I'm afraid if I tell him I want a divorce, he will do something stupid. I have remained in this relationship for the past two years because of my kids. I know he senses it. He asks me often if I love him, or if 'I'm in love with him.' I feel I have to say yes just to keep the peace. How do I get out? The relationship is killing me. Hurting in Utah
Mom at Home needs help!
Hi Kathryn! Coming from a mom with five children, I can totally relate. First of all, being home where your children need you is very commendable. Some mothers do not have this luxury. But it also comes with it's stresses. You mentioned that you were feeling depressed and lonely. Probably needing adult talk and interaction with other people would solve part of that problem, but the underlying problem is how you feel about yourself. It's not an easy job staying home. I have many friends who work full time and can actually quit their jobs but don't! They say staying at home with their kids is harder work than going to their job!
My advice to you is to find ways to serve each day. Think of someone during the weekend that you know needs help. Focus on them, pray about them, and then do it! Take them a meal out of the blue, write a letter, call them for a lunch date, but do something for someone else. When our eyes are focused on ourselves, we will always find ourselves falling into a depressed and lonely state. This task of serving others not only lifts someone else, but lifts you, builds your self worth and esteem and defines your character. You find the real YOU when you serve others.
And what a great example you set for your family in the long run! Keep me updated on this assignment, because it is an assignment, if you chose to accept it. :) Just between friends..... Trish
My advice to you is to find ways to serve each day. Think of someone during the weekend that you know needs help. Focus on them, pray about them, and then do it! Take them a meal out of the blue, write a letter, call them for a lunch date, but do something for someone else. When our eyes are focused on ourselves, we will always find ourselves falling into a depressed and lonely state. This task of serving others not only lifts someone else, but lifts you, builds your self worth and esteem and defines your character. You find the real YOU when you serve others.
And what a great example you set for your family in the long run! Keep me updated on this assignment, because it is an assignment, if you chose to accept it. :) Just between friends..... Trish
Stay at home mom struggling... need advice!
Q:
Trish, I'm a stay at home mom, but all my kids are in school right now. They still need me frequently so I don't feel like I can work outside the home just yet. However, in the meantime, I'm really struggling with depression and loneliness. Any advice? Kathryn, Denver CO
Trish, I'm a stay at home mom, but all my kids are in school right now. They still need me frequently so I don't feel like I can work outside the home just yet. However, in the meantime, I'm really struggling with depression and loneliness. Any advice? Kathryn, Denver CO
Good Fruit
A pear tree stands, tall and straight in the front of my home. For three years, the fruit it produced was bitter and non-edible. Bad fruit! But this last year, surprisingly, the pear tree bore fruit that was sweet, tasty and delicious! One day as I picked a pear off the tree to have for a snack, this thought came to my mind. Some of us go through seasons, where we are unable to produce, 'good fruit.' Maybe due to trials, conflicts, unhappy in our jobs, loss of a loved one, or divorce. These are times when we are actually growing, finding ourselves and what we're made of. But the time will come, when we can eventually impart of ourselves, and our 'good fruit.' We can extend a hand and help others, leave those that we were with feeling uplifted and edified.
Continue to recognize when you are sharing good fruit, or bad fruit. Bad fruit is negative, uninspiring, and makes you and others feel unsafe, unsure and without hope. Good fruit dropped here and there will not only motivate and inspire you, but all whom you come in contact with throughout your day; your children, spouse, friend, sister, brother or parent. Your comments, your attitude, your facial expressions all bear witness of the fruit you have within you! Harvest and share the good fruit!
I look forward to sharing my feelings and listening to your concerns on this blog. Feel free to ask for any help your struggling with and I'll do my best to respond with 'good fruit!'
Trish - Advice Between Friends
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